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2 years on and still wondering why

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This Sunday is two years since my brother Levi died of a brain tumor. I thought by now, after two years, I would have some measure of understanding of what happened to him or at least be at peace with it, but both elude me.

I think I have progressed at least. For a long time all I wanted was for him to visit me somehow and tell me that he is OK. I guess I know he is OK now and I don't obsess about wanting to see him again anymore.

I no longer cry every day and for the most part life is back to normal. But there are still times when it hurts so much that I can't hardly breathe. I have tried to figure out what it is that I am feeling, and sometimes I think it is anger. I watched the life being sucked out of my baby brother. I watched him wither away until his body just couldn't take it anymore. I drove his children to watch him be lowered into his grave and listened to Kya ask why Daddy had to go live in heaven, and I had no answer for her. I try to remember him as he was but I can't get past the images of him in bed, pouring water over himself because he was so hot, and then seeing him so cold in his coffin. And it is a bit gruesome but I can't drive past the cemetery without thinking about his body there in the ground.

I can't stand listening to stories about miracles because my brother didn't get his miracle. He died a painful, horrible death and the pain goes on for his family. I get sick of hearing people talk about how it just takes faith and prayer and all the rest and miracles can happen.

I am more aware now of how frequently good people have horrible things happen to them, and I grieve the loss of the hope that if we just live a good life, we'll be blessed and taken care of. I suppose it was a naive hope at best, but now I feel like I'm on tenterhooks, just waiting for the next nasty thing to happen to someone I love.

So maybe I'm angry, or maybe it's still just plain old grief, both for the loss of my brother, but also for the loss of hope. I can't quite figure it out, I thought writing it down might help me to figure it out. I hope that in another two years maybe I will have some answers.

Comments

  1. M2 (Melissa)March 4, 2009 at 10:03 PM

    Cassie -

    I cried as I read this. My heart breaks for you! I am so sorry that it is still so hard - I can understand it for sure! I understand how your hope and faith in miracle can struggle - that is something I do not understand it either! All my love!

    ReplyDelete
  2. TestMarch 5, 2009 at 6:57 AM

    Thanks Melissa, sorry to make you cry!

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Houston FamilyMarch 8, 2009 at 8:59 AM

    I totally understand! I have had many of those same feelings since Maile was born. I have yet to figure out why bad things happen to good people. There are still days that I have to take deep breaths and just try to get through! I hope someday we can all find complete peace and contentment in our lives.

    ReplyDelete

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